Faith and Belief
by SophieSaulie
Summary: A short tag to It's a Terrible Life. Castiel and Dean talk in the aftermath of On The Head of a Pin after Zacariah.


**Faith and Belief**

**A tag to It's a Terrible Life.**

Castiel sat on a park bench, much as he had months ago with Dean discussing the battle-worthy test Dean had been put through when they had defeated Samhain. Different park, different town, different people, yet he had never felt so alone as he did now. Zacariah had told him that he would rectify what had happened to Dean. It didn't soothe his guilt so he just sat, hoping the view of his Father's creations at play, being joyful at living, fearful of nothing, enjoying everything around them, would uplift him, remind him of the beauty that is humanity. All it did was remind him of the one human he had let down, that he had allowed to be tortured yet again at the hands of a monster.

He suddenly spied a shadow come around the other end of the bench then take a seat. He had come to know his presence and oddly, it gave him comfort to know that he was there.

"Hmmm, déjà vu. We have to stop meeting like this. People will talk," Dean joked.

Castiel turned and gave him a short-lived smile. It disappeared as he turned away.

"Are you all right?" Castiel asked tentatively.

"I don't think I'll ever be all right again, but I'm here," Dean said without accusation.

"I understand," Castiel acknowledged, misunderstanding the statement as pointed towards him.

"It wasn't your fault," Dean said with comfort and sincerity in his voice.

"You're wrong about that, Dean. I allowed it to happen. I'm every bit at fault as Uriel was. It doesn't change a thing, but I'm sorry. What I did was unforgivable."

Dean looked over at Castiel, felt his guilt and felt compelled to relieve him of it. After all, who better to understand following orders than he was?

"I thought forgiving was what you guys did?" Dean softly teased.

"You don't understand –"

"Well, yeh, I guess I don't because seems to me you're in the business of forgiveness. You mean it's only okay to forgive others, but not yourselves? I'm no expert or anything, but isn't that a mite hypocritical?" Dean continued to tease.

"Dean, I put you into a cage with a monster. A cage you didn't want to enter, didn't deserve to enter yet you did because I had asked, practically pleaded, because you thought it would help, even knowing the cost to you. I didn't question what I felt was wrong. I just followed orders," Castiel said, his voice rough with emotion. "Because of that, I let Alistair torture you all over again."

"No, Cas, **you** didn't let him do anything to me. Alistair…he's evil, pure and simple. Torture, it's his endgame. It's what he does." Dean said as he shrugged his shoulders in acceptance. He would always be haunted, but it wasn't anything Castiel had done. "You didn't create him."

Castiel looked over at Dean and appreciated his forgiveness for his reprehensible acts towards him.

"I'm also sorry you had to learn about breaking the first seal. Once again, orders," Castiel said with disdain towards himself.

Dean hung his head down.

"Yeh, well, doesn't matter anymore, does it? I get that it has to end with me, that I have to stop it. Just that right after being beaten the crap out of by Alistair, all I could see was this **huge** responsibility that I didn't want, made me remember when my dad told me I had to save Sam or kill him. It was just **a** **lot** to take in. I couldn't see how I could do it, but Zacariah made his point. I still don't believe in destiny, but I do believe that I have to finish what I started. If running away were an option, I'd have done it by now."

Castiel watched as Dean dealt with what was facing him and was impressed. He couldn't fault him for wanting to give up, to pass on the burden, but to see Dean take up the cause again, to see him regain his footing, however shaky, impressed Castiel.

"You won't be alone," Castiel said.

Dean gazed over to see children playing on the jungle gyms and swings.

"Used to believe that. Now, I'm not so sure."

"You mean Sam."

"I'm trying, Cas. I've tried everything, but I can't get through to him, this thing with Lillith. It's like…"

"Like your father," Castiel finished for Dean.

Dean remained silent, but couldn't deny it.

"I couldn't steer Dad from it. I don't think I can with Sam either."

"Vengeance blinds all, Dean. Once it's tasted, it's like any addiction. I know you're trying, but you have to know that Sam drives his own destiny and it's apart from yours. You may not believe in it for yourself, but as long as Sam blindly follows this path, good intentions or not, vengeance only leads to destruction."

"Are you telling me I can't stop it?"

"No, just that it's not up to you alone to stop it. Sam has to want it too. For now, he doesn't. He wants to gain as much power as he can to achieve his goal, Lillith's end. In his mind, the end justifies the means. Nothing else matters…not even you."

Dean nodded, wrung his hands absently and kept watching the children play.

"Was I ever that innocent?" Dean asked randomly.

"We all were."

"I know this is going to sound…what? Arrogant, I guess, but I see those kids and I have to believe I can save them, that I can save this world for them so that they never have to know what evil is."

Castiel smiled. Dean's desire to save the world for no other reason other than to give children a better world warmed him and eased the guilt of having thrust Dean into Alistair's grasp. Whatever Zacariah had told him had given Dean his purpose and perspective back.

"That's not arrogance. That's conviction. Belief."

Dean just kept on watching, a small look of concern falling over his face.

"What did Zacariah tell you?" Castiel asked.

"That I should stop whining and feeling sorry for myself," Dean said, scoffing at himself.

"Doesn't sound very convincing or inspirational."

"Well, I'm not the kind of guy who goes for that kind of stuff anyway. No, he just made me see that like it or not, this is what I do, that I keep coming back to it no matter how much sometimes I wish I could walk away from it."

"Regrets?"

"Plenty, but who doesn't? I did the wallow thing when Dad died. This, this is bigger than that. I can't afford to waste the time or energy. Doesn't mean it isn't there, but will have to deal when all this is over."

"And Sam?"

Dean fell silent for a few seconds, struggling to find an answer.

"I have to believe that when the time comes, Sam will see that he's going the wrong way and steer back. When he does, I'll be there for him. It's all I have to give him."

"Your faith in Sam it's…"

"Blind? Guess it's understandable you'd think so, but Sam, he's my brother. No matter what other blood is in him, we're family. I will never walk away from him."

"No, your faith in him, it's admirable. Solid, unflinching. It's like my faith in my Father. I may question Him, but that faith, it remains just as your faith in Sam does."

"I hope it pays off for both of us," Dean said. "Oh, yeh, by the way. Forgive yourself, Cas. I've already put it behind me. We're good."

Dean got up from the bench and walked off, leaving Castiel to take in a long breath of relief. Dean's ability to forgive him of his atrocity against him gave him hope that he could redeem himself to Dean in the battle ahead. Though Dean hadn't realized it, he had given Castiel faith that they had a chance. Something he thought he had lost.

**FIN. Might be more to come, but had to write this.**


End file.
